I have considered myself a Christian as long as I can remember. But only in my middle age has the gospel become a living reality in my life.
In my youth, I did what most young men did: I tried to prove my worth, I entered the Army, I served in war, I had medals pinned to my chest. But it didn’t seem to fulfill whatever it was that I thought that it would.
There was one moment in particular that stands out. One of our soldiers was injured in battle, and I visited him at the hospital. Over the next few days, limbs were amputated, and then his injuries overcame his body and he died. I realized then that I wanted to become a doctor. Despite my poor academic performance as a youth, I ultimately matriculated into medical school, graduated, became a physician, and even got a dream job. And all the while, I had been married to a beautiful and driven, dutiful wife who also became a doctor. We had two healthy and respectful children. Life was busy, and life was good. But no matter how hard I worked at it, life was never great.
So I thought perhaps it was that I wasn’t being faithful to God. Maybe it was because I was searching in the secular world for my purpose and meaning. I joined small groups. I led small groups. I went on missions. I led medical missions. I contemplated leaving the world that I knew to become a full-time missionary in a heated war zone. And eventually I just contemplated leaving the world, despite everything that I had accomplished.
It was about that time, when I had exhausted all worldly possibilities, that I heard Dr. Keller preach the gospel. And the more I listened to him preach, the more I heard the good news. It was as if I had heard it for the first time. I always knew from an intellectual standpoint that I was a sinner saved by grace. But it was different now. I had tried achievement through secular success, and I tried to achieve Christian success. But it seemed like there was nothing on this earth that could save me from the hollow abyss and depression that became more and more evident.
I finally redefined sin. I had always thought that sin was simply doing bad things. But I came to realize it was much more deep-rooted. It’s that feeling of covering that festering sore that’s embarrassing when revealed. So I placed a bandage, maybe some clothing over it. Maybe I could forget about it altogether. But then when people noticed that I was walking with a limp, there was no hiding the fact that it was still there. Worse than that, it had festered and grown. For me, it was the sin of independence. I could do it with or without God. It would be up to him to be with me or not. But that self-absorbed manner of living led to my confusion and loneliness. None of it was for him. It was always for me.
Finally, I started to see God’s mercy because of my sin. I saw the cross, and I saw my sin upon it. Everything that I wanted to achieve was a dim shadow compared to what Christ already accomplished. His was the perfect resume that I wanted, and it was freely given me in exchange for the sin that I gave him. I began to understand what he meant when he said, “It is finished.” All of it — the proving, the striving, the wallowing, the hiding — it’s all finished. All the weariness, the heavy-ladenness, the impossibly heavy burden could be traded in for a job with a friend that does the heavy lifting. He’s the only one that grows stronger with my weakness. His is the only love that grows deeper with my sin. And it’s all his joy! What an amazing grace.
His was the perfect resume that I wanted, and it was freely given me in exchange for the sin that I gave him.
And now I am finally starting to grow. It’s not just the words of Tim Keller’s preaching, but it’s the example of Tim and Kathy Keller’s life. At first, the meaning of my work changed with Every Good Endeavor. And then my marriage changed with The Meaning of Marriage. And my parenting changed with Preaching. And underlying all of it has been the gospel that truly changes everything. I am ever grateful for this community.