I will never forget my birthday, May 8, 2001. Nor will I forget my husband Daniel’s birthday, May 9, 2001. I have often joked that my husband gives me money on my birthday and I return it on his birthday.
But this birthday was to change the trajectory of our lives. My husband was an ordained minister and we lived in a willing joy to serve God. However, Daniel wanted to expand his ministry into the medical field (better chance of being a self-supporting missionary). He was too old for medical school and barely met the age deadline for dental school.
Our daughter, Kimura-Lea, was a trooper to all the moves that seem to be the job description for ministers. She never whined or complained, but eagerly looked forward to new adventures. She had been dedicated by me personally the day we brought her home from the hospital. I had a C-section and Kim got jaundice, which delayed our homecoming. While Daniel gave her the first bath I silently dedicated her to God. A couple weeks later, Daniel and I dedicated her at the church.
After dental school and boards, we settled in TN. We bought a very small practice and it expanded each year. Our daughter, Kim, helped in the practice and other jobs of her interest. She worked with us till she found her vocation, which turned out to be cosmetology. During cosmetology school and passing boards to receive her cosmetology license, she started dating her future husband, Jack.
My daughter and I had established very strong bonds during her high school years. I was so thankful I didn’t have to endure the teenage angst years. On May 7, she called me late at night and she sounded horrible. I told her I was going to take her to the doctor the next morning. Her husband had asked her if she wanted to go to the ER over the weekend. But she thought this health issue would be temporary.
The next morning, she was immediately admitted to the hospital from the ER. I called my husband at the office and he came immediately. She could barely breathe and talking was a chore. They put an oxygen mask on her until respiratory therapy could insert an oxygen tube. Dan and I silently looked at our only precious child. We were lost in our thoughts about her, our special gift from God.
The silence was broken with Kim pulling her mask off. Gasping for air she said, “I’m so sorry to not have our birthday dinner.” Of course, we said, “Don’t talk.” And then she weakly pulled her mask off one last time and said, “I love you.” Of course we told her we loved her more than anything in this world. We didn’t realize those words would be the last. These conversations are seared in my memory and even now, over 23 years later, I’m still crying.
Of course we told her we loved her more than anything in this world. We didn’t realize those words would be the last.
I spent the next few weeks living on the waiting room floor. Friends from near and far came to support me. They fed me, massaged me, prayed for me. A church elder whom I had never met came and pushed for anointing her. My mad brain didn’t want anointing. That was for old people who were about to die. My faith was growing weak. No miracle for me.
I knew God could heal her and I also knew deeply what the future would be if she recovered. I asked him,”Why haven’t you done this special miracle for me God? Are you hearing me?”
She passed on May 27th, 2001 at 23 years old. Against all my hopes, she was torn from us. She was torn from me. I wasn’t done with our conversations. I needed to share more of my wisdom from life’s journey. I wanted her children to love and be loved by grandma.
Needless to say, our world collapsed. I was left to grieve out west all alone while my husband grieved in the arms of a young woman with a 7-year-old daughter. I was in shock and without my God. I became enraged at how he could allow such a devastating situation when I had been in his service all my life. Within two months, my husband asked me to remove my name from the business and said he wanted a divorce. How dare he do that to me?! At that point, I didn’t want him at all, forever. I told God, “I don’t believe in you, God. You took my only child and now my husband? How dare you do this to me. I’ve been faithful.”
I decided there was no God and even questioned if I really had served a God. The former church members we had ministered to dropped me from their contact list. The friends who had laid with me on the waiting room floor were gone. They didn’t want to be involved with an issue they couldn’t fix. By this time, I was crying day and night and battling health issues that required a pain doctor. “Where are you, God?”
My husband ended his affair but still married a woman other than the one he had left me for. I was content to be alone in my grief. My energy was drained in grief and pain. I had a big hole in my heart that nothing in this world could fix. Where was MY GOD?
A few years passed. I was left with the car. No home. No business. No friends. I had been renting one room in different dwellings. My friends had never seen such horrid grief and felt very uncomfortable around me. The divorce was another wedge and people didn’t want to be around their former pastor (“stupid jerk”), or his “crazy wife” who tried suicide. One day, I said to God, “If you are real, I will read your Word one more time. You will have to show me what to do. This time I want more answers. No faith stuff. No rule stuff. Definitely no theology. Just simple Bible stuff. Are you real, God?”
I started reading his Word from the beginning. I didn’t even pray before I read. “God, I’ve heard you can give peace and joy. This is your last chance with me.” On reflection, I considered myself an agnostic, so why did I gravitate to the Bible? I wasn’t balancing my spiritual life with studying other gods like other agnostics. “God, you better still love me. Are you listening?”
My health continued to deteriorate and I was not getting any pain relief. Besides physical pain, I had mental, emotional, and spiritual pain. My soul was dying. My soul had no hope.
Daniel’s marriage was disintegrating. They would have verbal fights. Police were called. Apparently this woman was known to the police. She had a police record and the police empathized with Daniel. They called me to see if I would take him in, because they didn’t want to see him in jail with charges from a known criminal.
I said yes. I didn’t have money for his bail, and I didn’t want to be involved in his life. I laid the ground rules: since you desired a divorce, no intimacy, and since you allowed the practice to go into bankruptcy, I was not going to help him anymore. I could not tolerate his behavior. He had destroyed everything we had worked for.
To this day, I still wonder how I survived. I had lost not only Daniel, but our home, business, and most of my friends. I was in deep, unfiltered pain and couldn’t acknowledge Daniel’s pain. And now this man who I had deeply loved and respected wanted back in. Are you kidding me, God? Are you playing a joke on me?
I continued reading my Bible and other religious books to find a God that would fit my desire and most of all give me hope. Daniel and I started to communicate about what I had read in the Bible. After all, he had the theology degree, not me. “Where are you, God?”
The years passed. Daniel traveled to different towns to practice. My health issues precipitated to where I ended up in a wheelchair and needed a caregiver even to take a shower. I was a very slow learner in this new life journey. I couldn’t worship the God I had grown up with. That God took my baby. I didn’t know what I really wanted from God. I needed peace that passed all understanding, but it didn’t come.
My walk with God had to be different this time. I didn’t know how this life journey would be different. I did affirm that he had no beginning or end. I affirmed he was the Creator. I recognized the story of sin in the Old Testament. When I read the stories, I would compare it to my current life. I read of Jesus and really focused on his life as a “servant” for God. I read to the end in Revelation.
Sometime during this process, I started praying and singing to God. I cried. Not because of my loss, but because I had hurt God. Due to my disability, I was in bed 24/7, but I can’t give you a certain time and day that I recommitted my life to him. It happened over several years.
I asked God to give me a heart of love towards Daniel. I was still angry and longed for peace. Now I had to learn to love with the scars from brokenness.
I had a dear pastor friend whom I had known since childhood who preached each weekend on YouTube. He would call occasionally and we would chat. He would quote contemporary Bible scholars in his sermons and among the many names was Tim Keller. I listened for many years until my friend retired last year. A few months later, I don’t know how I remembered Tim Keller’s name. I’m convinced it was a “God thing.” So I found his reflections on God’s grace in the book of Job on the YouTube channel, Gospel in Life. It was so refreshing and I asked Dan to listen with me.
We were so blessed, and now, many days I include Tim’s sermons when I need to hear God’s grace. I was brought up believing God offered love, grace, and mercy, but I threw it all away after Kim was gone. Even though I had read the Bible, I still didn’t understand God’s grace. I was determined to study until I understood God’s grace.
Even though I had read the Bible, I still didn’t understand God’s grace. I was determined to study until I understood God’s grace.
As a PK (pastor’s kid) and in Christian education from 1st grade through college, I’ve heard innumerable talks about God’s love and mercy. But I’ve probably only heard a handful of sermons about God’s grace. But Tim’s talks gave us answers about God’s grace. It has answered all my questions about God’s grace. It has finally healed my relationship with God. It has healed me so much that I’ve even told my ex-husband, “I’m sorry.”
Daniel’s heart was broken, and his grief journey is still ongoing. It is his story to tell, because we are each unique human beings. He is now my primary caregiver. We will quietly celebrate our golden anniversary in June.
God didn’t design robots or clones. He designed each soul to think and choose. All God wants is our love in response. Hardly a day goes by that we don’t talk about God with a heavy sprinkling of Tim’s words.
Thank you, Gospel in Life. I’ve shared your site with friends. One very close friend expressed how much she has learned and been comforted with his “talks.” They are not sermons to me, but a teacher sharing God’s word. Only through God’s grace, the Master Restorer, has He changed us. We were re-baptized last Fall. We can honestly say to God, “Thank you for your love, grace, and mercy.” Though we miss our child, we are glad she is asleep like Lazarus. We believe that we will see her in heaven.
